I want to do a followup on that icky-yucky birth control situation I talked about a while back.
The gist of it is: everything is okay now. I'm not crying for no good reason anymore. Life has calmed down again. Yaaaaaay!
I definitely want to tell everyone "thank you" for all of the comments, suggestions, and sympathy I received during that. Depression is a lonely lonely place to be, and you have no idea how grateful I was to see people caring enough to listen to my misery and try to help, even if helping was a short reply saying, "I had a friend who had that happen." Even that much helped. Thank you. Seriously. Thank you.
If you want to hear me ramble about how things turned out, and possibly sound a bit silly, and that sort of thing, feel free to keep reading.
I finally complained to my doctor that even the mild birth control was messing with me. He wanted me to stay on them, and then take a second pill on the side to control my mood.
So... I'm taking medication for my medication? Seriously?
I was very unhappy with the idea, and spent a good deal of time in Very Serious Thought. I also spent some time in Very Serious Prayer. (The two go hand in hand when they're of the Very Serious Variety.) The more I thought about it, the more and more the birth control pills seemed like a bad idea. After a while, they flat out repulsed me. I hope I don't sound like a psycho to anyone, but I very seriously believe that was the answer to my prayer. I needed to drop those pills like a hot potato.
Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against the pills themselves. I think birth control pills are a really great thing... for other people. Just not for me.
It didn't take much to convince me of the idea. I was already starting to think that I'd rather deal with the physical pain than the emotional pain. And if mild birthcontrol still screwed me up so bad, the idea of taking pills meant to alter your emotions just kind of scared me. If my emotions could be played with so easily, and I was taking one pill that pulled me one way and another pill that pulled me the other way, would I really be okay? Is it really possible for me to be normal under circumstances like that? It just seemed really... precarious to me.
So I made new plans. No birth control pills. Pain pills. I realize that may sound stupid of me, but I'm willing to take the risk.
And I've already been through two episodes of cramping that way. Granted, I took a little more painkiller that I normally do, but that doesn't really bother me. I'm not taking anywhere near enough to worry about overdosing. And I still hurt through the pills, but it was definitely a manageable level of pain.
So I'm hopeful. I'm feeling good about this. I'd rather deal with a day or two of pain once a month, than take two pills every day for who knows how long and worry about what it's doing it me.
Fortunately, something good has come from all of this. The situation lead to an attitude adjustment of sorts.
While I was busy dealing with this Big Messy Problem, this other thing called "life" was still happening to me. Other smaller problems were showing up, but they were so eclipsed by the Big Problem I didn't even realize they were there. Once I stopped the birth control pills and started feeling better, I was so desperate to be able to tell myself, "Everything's normal again," that I was in denial that other problems even existed.
I finally had a wake up call one day, when on of the problems got out of hand. It turns out, when you ignore a little problem, it doesn't go away. Instead, it grows bigger when you aren't looking. And then they start getting together with other problems and multiplying like rabbits... or pennies... So when I finally looked at the problems, they left me feeling overwhelmed. My heart goes out to anyone who has had to deal with depression over a long period of time. It doesn't just mess with emotions, it messes with life.
I'm not really sure how it happened, but something kind of changed in me then. I guess I reached a breaking point of sorts. I reached a point where I was sick and tired of it all. While I was dealing with depression, I had kept telling myself, "Just wait. Things will get sorted out. It'll get better. If you just hang in there long enough, everything will be okay again." I kept waiting and waiting for things to get better, and instead of getting better, I just traded a big problem for an equal amount of other problems.
And I had enough! I absolutely had enough! Life was a bully shoving me around on the playground, and that day I decided if he was going to treat me like that, I was going to freakin' punch him in the face! I picked up a new mantra that day (which is kind of exciting. I'm not sure if I've ever had a mantra before.) and it's "Today's the day." Today's the day I'm going to take my life back. Today's the day I'm not going to put up with this anymore. Today's the day my life is going to be what I want it to be. Pills aren't going to control me. Hormones aren't going to control me. This thing, and that thing, and those problems over there aren't going to control me. Things are going to be different. Today's the day. And it's not something you can say once and that's it. I keep saying it to myself, not everyday, but often. The days that I feel like life's trying to be a bully again, I say it. And then that day turns into That Day. The day that I'm in charge of my life. The day I get a little bit closer to being who I really want to be.
And, just for the record, the person I really want to be is pretty much exactly who I am now, only way cooler. And "cooler" here is more or less defined as "way more confident and a heck of a lot tougher." (And maybe, even, wears shades, because everyone knows shades make cool people even cooler.)
I'm sort of joking about the shades.
Or am I?
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